1. Stop The Game

  • Don't get trapped in proving your point.
  • Speak from "we."

2. ​Claim Your Own Moves

​Come up with a short summary of each of your moves.

​3. Claim Your Own Feelings

  • Share clear admissions of your roiling surface emotions.
  • Can help to use the language of “parts.”

​4. Own How You Shape Your Partners Feelings

​Own how you pulled your partner into the negative spiral and have participated in the creation of their distress.

​5. Ask About Your Partners Deeper Emotions

  • Be curious about your partners softer, underlying emotions.
  • ​Acknowledge or seek to understand the underlying Raw Spot in your partner.

​6. Share Your Own Deeper, Softer Emotions

  • ​Acknowledge your own deeper, softer emotions.
  • Let your partner see what is really at stake when you argue.
  • Core Emotions: Anger, Fear, Disgust, Shame, Surprise, Happiness, Joy, Sadness

​7. Stand Together

  • Acknowledge the risk your partner has made in telling you these feelings.
  • Reassure your partner.
  • Agree that the conversation is too hard and that you have common ground and common cause.